Dear Friends, Readers and fellow-bloggers,
Some of you may notice that this is me, writing after a long… long time. In fact it has been nearly a year since I posted something up on this blog, and let me assure you that since here lies my ‘first voice’ my absence from this space also connotes a period of ‘blank’ with regard to writing in general.
What can I say – My beloved Muse decided to leave me for a while… (Sigh)
Actually there were a number of reasons why writing took a backseat in this life journey. Now, that I am geared up to start writing again, perhaps the best way to break this silence is to briefly ‘fill in’ the blanks to you.
The truth, in its purest and absolute sense, is that in my writings …I am always honest. When I put something on this page, especially conveying my feelings –it is exactly how I feel. No part of it is half-hearted or my being obliged to write for the sake of writing. Normally, I consider myself a truthful person, not just because I believe in the Gandhian ideology of keeping one’s words and actions honest but also because all the lies I have told are exhausting, and after having to make some more just to keep the old ones afloat…I learned the hard way, that in the end …Satya meva Jayate. (Truth alone triumphs)
Yet, once-in-a-while I just have to lie. A white lie because the truth could hurt a person I love. A tiny lie to silence the prying and probing question that would otherwise follow which would make me want to pull the other person’s eyes out. The big lie to prevent me from some serious trouble today …one gets the picture. I am not proud of these moments and sometimes I wonder if the worst part of ‘growing-up’ is when we accept these lies as part of our truth and our reality. We create our own myths, reconstructing our own stories to accommodate the lives we wish we had.
But when I am writing, somehow those lies disappear. The sheer power of the ‘written word’, is that when I write I do not know how not to be honest. If I am writing about a happy moment, I need to be happy right then. While I write about fond memories or a recollection I am absorbed into that parallel universe, teleported back into that moment in time and it all must unfold right before me. When I especially write about a travel experience, I must have this enormous smile on my face, and then the words… they just flow straight from the heart. It is in this space, and as I pen the words that I feel so complete and at peace.
In the months gone by, every time I attempted to write again, it wasn’t that same feeling. Sometimes the article I wrote would have been technically accurate, even the last punctuation was not amiss, and yet it felt that it lacked depth. You see, while all of it would be factually correct; that little piece of soul which makes it ‘me’ speaking or writing to you was completely disoriented.
So much has changed in my life these past few months that I found myself asking myself everyday – “Do I mean what I say?” “Am I really recommending you to visit ‘x’ place in Singapore/Malaysia/India?” “Are my thoughts even collected enough to make this believable?” Each time I tried to answer the question myself, either there was this cloud of doubt in my head or this little voice in my heart would say “This is all a lie.”
Part of it stems from my not having acclimatized to this ‘new life’ in a different country completely before, and only now having slowly regained the ‘gypsy-like’ spirit within. Travelling to a new country is a bit like having a short fling which has all the magic of a whirlwind romance. Moving to a new country is definitely an adjustment quite akin to being committed for a long-term relationship. The other factor is that I am now, and have been for sometime in a very steady relationship which has altered pieces of my soul in many small ways. Let’s just say, that after being a ‘solo’ artist all my life, singing a duet on the big stage requires several rehearsals and it is only with trust and confidence, can one take centre-stage again.
So after many months of random musings and soul-searching aplenty, there some valuable lessons I have come to realize.
- My life was never meant to be a simple, steady or straight-forward story. Accepting this will make it less complicated.
- My life, with all its ups and downs and highs and lows is just like every other person’s. However, putting my dreams and passions on a hold will not enable my growth, instead it shall make me stagnant and kill the only ‘truth’ that I know i.e. I am a writer at heart and while I enjoy doing other things professionally I …must…keep…writing.
- To quote Marilyn Monroe again – “Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” Because my life shall never be simple, steady or straight-forward …it sure shall make one helluva story! And hey, isn’t ‘telling your story’ really what life is all about?!
With a pledge to keep writing and a promise that there is more coming real soon…Here’s to Honesty, the written word and ‘breaking the ice’!
(Or Devi, as I am called here in Sg! A funny story for another post)